YOU'RE REJECTED...and depressed!! Is it Normal?!
Have you ever been broken up with? Friend-zoned? Turned down by a dream job? How did it make you feel? You probably experienced a form of loss of what could've been. This is a normal human experience, right!? Well, it depends on how you take it. Oddly enough, there is a diagnosis called Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD), and this interferes with a person's ability to regulate their reaction and feelings to rejection and failure. This is common in individuals with an ADHD and autism diagnosis.
For me, how RSD has manifested itself is the amount of times I've been turned down by guys that I've liked (don't worry, I've learned that if they don't like me back, it's for the best!) and jobs I've applied for. I'm going to use the jobs example to share my experience on how rejection has impacted me. I've only kept 3 jobs long-term in my life (this doesn't include being self-employed as a flute and piano lessons teacher). Two of them were food service and the other one was a teacher's assistant my senior year of college. Every time I've had a job, I've been called into the manager's office to discuss stuff I've done wrong and it led to being let go. It's been hard to find a good job that I know will accept me for who I am, accommodate me well, and believe in me to succeed. I get so anxious when a manager says, "I need to talk to you". It hits me so bad that I get triggered and cry. Another thing too is I've given up on applying to jobs because I've applied to so many since I graduated from college WITH A DEGREE almost 4 years ago and have had one full-time job that lasted 3-4 months. As I write this, it triggers me because I think of all of the 100+ jobs I applied to that would work well with my degree and sometimes I get to the interview part and the job will not reach out to me or I'll reach out to them and they will say "we went with someone else". It has made me feel like my time, energy, degree, skills, personality, etc. wouldn't be a good fit and I end up feeling depressed.
Having RSD along with ADHD and autism, our brains are so used to being socially rejected. Dr. Megan Anna Neff (2024), shares that we often experience threats to our sense of belonging that "our fight-or-flight responses can be triggered as if our very survival is at stake. Despite the modern understanding that it is not a life-or-death situation, our bodies continue to react as if it were" (Self-Care for Autistic People: 100+ Ways to Recharge, De-Stress, and Unmask! , Neff, 2024, p.150).
I get it, it can be easier to get used to the fact that you can't ever win at anything, but what good does that do to you? You can't succeed in life if you just give up. (TW: Controversial Public Figure) I will say this, I know JK Rowling is controversial, but her Harry Potter books are AMAZING. Did you know that Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone was rejected at least 100 times? Had JK Rowling let that stop her, we wouldn't have the movies or books as a result!! Another person, Lisa Kudrow, who is known for playing Phoebe Buffay on the hit 90's sitcom FRIENDS has shared her journey to being where is at a graduation commencement a few years ago. She stated that before she was Phoebe or before she landed her role as Ursula on the show Mad About You, she was on the show Fraiser and got fired from it. She could've let being fired from Fraiser stop her. SHE DIDN'T!! Because of being rejected, she went on to be a successful actress.
Another successful actress who was rejected and is now an award-winning A-List actress, is Meryl Streep. When she was first starting out as an actor, she auditioned to be in King Kong and was told she wasn't pretty enough. She didn't let that stop her! In the interview below, Streep said that she understood the director who was speaking Italian and told him in Italian, "sorry I'm not pretty enough to be in King Kong!" and left. Had she let that comment get to her, she wouldn't be where she is today.
Once you recognize that you have RSD, you must not let it win! You want success! You can let your brain know and acknowledge the RSD by saying "this is my rejection sensitivity acting up" and don't let it win.
You deserve success. Rome wasn't built in a day! Give yourself some grace and respect. Your life and path are where you're meant to be.
If you still struggle with this and it's making you feel like you can't do anything, talk to a therapist about what you need to do to change this.
Happy Tuesday and enjoy the two videos and infographics below on RSD!
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