Consent is Tea|Consent & Boundaries
Have you been in a situation where you felt uncomfortable to be in that a friend forced you to be in? Have you ever been in a situation where you felt like you have no control whatsoever? This is what it feels like to have your consent taken from you. Consent is respecting people's boundaries in any kind of relationship. Consent is part of life as an adult. (if you are underage (18 years old), you still have the right to say "no".)
You don't have to be a certain age to not give consent. Giving someone your consent is a way of respecting boundaries. Unfortunately, we aren't always going to get our way in everything we do. However, a good and effective way we can advocate is by giving or not giving our consent to others. Many times people think that it's a sexual thing, but it doesn't have to be. If your mom and dad are telling you to get a job because you're an adult and you live there rent-free doing nothing all day...that's different and doesn't require consent. However, if your parents are hugging you without your permission...THIS REQUIRES CONSENT! ––like I said, your parents aren't doing anything sexual with you, they're just hugging you without you feeling okay with it.
A lot of people on the autism spectrum or with learning/intellectual disabilities have blind spots with this issue. It can be hard to know what to say in a given situation. It is OKAY to stand up for yourself. If you aren't okay with gossip, say "I'm not comfortable with knowing this information about Susie and Leo," which is a way of saying "no" and it's also polite. You have the right to speak up for yourself. If you are not a hugger, you can say "no". If you are a hugger, ask the other person if they are so that if they aren't you are respecting their boundaries. Everyone has things they're okay with as far as boundaries goes.
OAR|Consent for Self-Advocates has a list of examples of what different boundaries looks like. Below are some examples of different kinds of boundaries :
- Physical boundaries – choices about what you do and what you don’t want to happen when it comes to your body and personal space. (For example, do you want to be hugged? How close is it okay for someone to stand next to you?)
- Emotional boundaries – choices about your feelings, personal values, and responsibilities to yourself and others. (For example, do you want to go on a date?)
- Communication boundaries – choices about how, what, when, and with whom you want to discuss issues related to yourself or your relationships. (For example, do you want to talk with your best friend about a disagreement you recently had with your partner?)
- Sexual boundaries – choices about how you want to express yourself sexually. (For example, do you want to kiss someone you have been going on dates with? Would you be comfortable sexting a partner?)
If someone’s consent is violated—especially someone on the autism spectrum—it’s important to respond in a way that feels safe, empowering, and supportive. Here’s a breakdown of what can help:
🌟 1. Acknowledge That the Violation Happened
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Your feelings are valid. Whether it was a physical boundary, emotional, social, or sensory boundary crossed, it matters.
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People on the spectrum might doubt themselves due to masking, gaslighting, or past experiences. Trust your instincts.
🛑 2. Create Immediate Safety
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Leave the situation if possible.
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Ask for help from someone you trust (a friend, teacher, advocate, support staff).
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Use scripts or pre-planned responses if it helps. Example: “I don’t feel comfortable. I need space right now.”
✍️ 3. Document the Violation
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Write down what happened (even if it feels fuzzy).
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Include who was there, where, and what was said or done.
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This helps whether you report it or just want clarity later.
🧠 4. Process the Experience
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Talk with a therapist, trusted adult, or support person.
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Journaling, stimming, or sensory-safe grounding can help regulate after a distressing event.
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You might experience shutdown, meltdowns, or burnout. Be gentle with yourself.
📣 5. Report It (If Safe and Desired)
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Consent violations can be social, legal, or professional concerns.
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If it happened at school or work, report to HR, a counselor, or supervisor.
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If it involved abuse or serious misconduct, consider reporting to authorities (with an advocate if possible).
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An autism advocate or support person can go with you.
💪 6. Reinforce Your Boundaries
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It’s okay to go low contact or cut people off who repeatedly violate boundaries.
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Practice saying no. Use affirming self-talk like, “I’m allowed to say no, even if someone doesn’t like it.”
🧩 For Autistic Individuals Specifically:
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Know that sensory and communication boundaries are just as real and valid.
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Autistic people may take longer to process violations—this is okay.
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It’s not “overreacting” to protect your energy and autonomy.
🚨 If You’re in Immediate Danger
Call 911 (or your local emergency number), or find a safe adult or crisis line. For example:
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988 (USA) for suicide or emotional crises.
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RAINN (1-800-656-HOPE) for sexual assault.
Unfortunately this topic NEEDS to be discussed! I know so many people whose boundaries have been violated due to someone that they thought they were okay.
🧠 How & When to Set Boundaries (in Consent Situations)
🌟 What is a boundary?
A boundary is a personal limit that helps you feel safe, respected, and in control. It’s like saying, “This is okay with me,” or “This is not okay.”
🚦WHEN to Set a Boundary
You can set a boundary anytime you feel unsure, pressured, uncomfortable, or need more information—even before anything happens.
Some specific times:
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🖥️ When someone wants to meet in person after chatting online
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🤝 When someone touches you without asking (like hugging)
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🧠 When you're overwhelmed and need time or space
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🗣️ When someone asks personal questions you're not ready to answer
🛠️ HOW to Set a Boundary (Even if It's Awkward)
Here are some scripts and ideas autistic people can use:
✅ 1. Ask for Time to Think
You do not have to answer right away.
“I need time to think about that. I’ll let you know later.”
“Thanks for asking! I want to take some time before I decide.”
🚫 2. Say No Clearly & Kindly
It’s okay to say no without over-explaining.
“I’m not comfortable meeting in person yet.”
“I’m not ready for that kind of touch.”
“I’m not okay with that, and I need you to respect that.”
⚠️ 3. Use Conditional Boundaries
You can set boundaries that depend on your comfort level.
“I might be open to meeting, but only in a public place, and with a friend there.”
“You can ask me questions, but I’ll let you know if something feels too personal.”
“I can talk for 15 minutes, but then I need quiet time to recharge.”
🧩 Tips for Autistic People in Consent Situations
🧃 1. Prep Your Boundaries in Advance
Make a list of your “yes,” “maybe,” and “no” things. Practice saying them out loud.
👀 2. Watch for Red Flags
If someone:
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Guilt-trips you
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Ignores or laughs off your no
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Pushes your comfort zone
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Calls you "too sensitive"
That’s a violation, not a friendship or healthy interest.
🗺️ 3. Use Safe Meeting Guidelines
If meeting someone new (from online, for example):
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Meet in a public place like a coffee shop
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Bring a trusted friend or family member
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Tell someone where you’re going and check in afterward
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Trust your gut—you can leave anytime
🧘 What If It Feels Hard to Speak Up?
You can:
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Use a written message or text if saying it out loud is too hard
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Carry a "boundary card" (like a pre-written script you read or hand over)
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Use a support person or advocate to help communicate your needs
❤️ Bottom Line:
Consent is not just for physical stuff—it's about your energy, time, emotions, and comfort. You always have the right to set boundaries, change your mind, and walk away.
Never try to touch or have sex with someone who cannot consent.
People are not able to consent if they are:
- Drunk
- High on drugs
- Asleep
- Underage (in most states, this means under 18 years old)
- Unconscious (or “passed out”)
- Being asked for consent by someone with authority over them (a boss, teacher, etc.)
- Otherwise unable to make an informed decision
The only way to know if you have consent is to ask. No one should assume that they have consent based on how someone is acting, how they are dressed, or their romantic or sexual history.
You must still ask consent if someone is:
- Flirting with you
- Dancing with you
- Sexting you
- Naked or wearing revealing clothing
- Dating you
While someone might be more likely to consent if they are already doing these things, it is still necessary to ask for consent.
When asking for consent, only a clear “yes” means “yes.” There are many ways that people can say “no” without actually using the word “no.”
You do not have consent if someone:
- Is silent
- Says or signs “maybe” or “I’m not sure”
- Tries to physically move away from you
- Does not respond, either verbally or physically
- Says or signs “no”
What If I’m Confused About Whether or Not Someone Gave Consent?
If you get a clear answer after asking for consent, you don’t need to keep asking the same question in that moment. If someone says “no” or doesn’t seem interested when you ask for consent, you shouldn’t ask repeatedly. If someone says “yes” clearly, you also don’t need to continue asking in that moment. But if you change activities, for example, moving from holding hands to kissing, you should ask for consent to do the new action.
If you feel confused or unsure of the answer, it’s okay to ask for clarification. You could say, “I’m not sure I’m understanding. Can you explain again how you feel about this?” If someone seems uncertain, then it’s best to interpret the answer as a “no.” It’s fine to ask for clarification if you are not sure what someone is trying to express, but you should never pressure them or try to convince them to change their mind.
It’s also okay to let your partner know the best ways to communicate about consent with you. If you need to explain a sensory preference or difficulty understanding social cues, you don’t need to disclose being on the autism spectrum if you don’t want to. You might just say, “I have trouble reading body language. Can you tell me clearly if you do or don’t like something that I’m doing?”
If questions like “does this feel okay?” are confusing for you, you could also say, “I have a hard time answering vague questions. If you ask yes or no questions, that will be easier for me.”
Consent isn't easy. With enough practice, it can be!
What are some ways you can give consent that aren't on here?? How can you respect someone's boundaries when they don't give you consent??
Planned Parenthood has an image on how to remember what consent is:
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