LIVIN' WITH THE ROOMIES
Unfortunately, there's downsides to living on your own as a neurodiverse adult. I moved out of my parent's home for the first time at the age of 22. Yup, not 18...but 22! Thats OKAY!! (Everyone develops differently and I wasn't able to afford it until I was 22.).
Moving out was an experience. I won't bore with the whole story on each place I lived...I'll give you a nutshell summary of my experiences at each place I've lived at. (Names will be redacted for privacy of these individuals.)
EXPERIENCE #1:
I'll say this, I moved out with the expectation that I would make friends with my roommates because society and TV/movies made it seem like roommates become your besties. My first pair of roommates, this was not 100% the case off the bat. Ask them. I didn't get along with them. My room-roommate was coming home at midnight from her then fiance/boyfriend's and the other girls and I clashed. It wasn't until 2-3 months into living together, I stepped up and communicated how I felt. It took a lot to speak up, but I let them know that if they're having people over, I'd like to participate. Well, month 3, two of them caught COVID, BUT the night before all hell broke loose we had a shared laugh. One of my roommates told me to catch the TV box from the TV I had just bought from a Black Friday deal...and the box landed on my nose and hit it. As painful as that sounds, we were ALL laughing hysterically (shout out to my Branbury Roomies). After that, we grew closer. However, it's been 4 years since I've seen them, but I wish them the best. I will never forget the time we spent together and the great and horrible memories we had (RIP the mouse experience that had us going all the way to Winco to get mouse traps at midnight––IYKYK).
EXPERIENCE #2:
In July 2021, I moved to Florida to work at Disney. I thought I knew how to handle roommates, but turns out I didn't. One of my roommates decided to make out (and other stuff that was audible through my vents) on our brand new couch ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WALL FROM MY ROOM. I had a feeling she hated me since she never wanted to communicate boundaries and stuff with me. THAT was hard. I bought a $30 calendar from Target with money I didn't have to put out in the kitchen for public use, and no one touched it. Pretty much everything that could've been disastrous went that way! I only lasted 6 weeks before I gave up. The landlord/leasing agency gave me the choice to either have a mediation or leave. I was missing home and decided to up and leave because I knew I probably would be looked at as the bad guy and I didn't want to ruin my chances. I was petty and chose not to tell my roommates that I was moving and was quiet about my departure because if they didn't care about me as a roommate sharing rent with them, then I shouldn't have to explain to them why they were horrible roommates. I hope they learned their lesson that they did disrespect me and broke several parts of our contract. It broke me to leave, but I felt like it needed to be done after waking up to seeing one of my roommates on the couch butt-naked cuddling with the guy she was seeing...I was out of there 4 days and $400 plus the beginning of my journey in debt.
EXPERIENCE #3:
This place wasn't too bad until summer. I was doing fine, but my roommates weren't that respectful. I had to clean up after them. It wasn't the most ideal situation. My room faced a warehouse who left their lights on 24/7, so blackout curtains became my bestie. I would clean the most out of all my roommates. During the summer, one of my roommates decided to extend having her friends sleep over. I was fine with that until I wasn't. Her friends were loud and rude and it ticked me off. I texted her telling her that it wasn't appropriate that she had friends over a day longer without letting me know and that they were inconsiderate.
LAST EXPERIENCE #4:
I got along with 2 of my roommates. One of my roommates had anger issues. It was so bad that my roommate got me evicted. She hated me. I had a negative experience with a guest at our apartment. She blamed me for letting it drag on. She told me when I was sick with a stomach bug to disinfect every surface. She always complained about me even when I was going through it at work. I felt unsafe at that apartment.
If I could do it all over again, I would make sure that I have strong communication skills with my roommates and know that not every roommate you have is going to end up being your bestie. I would come up with rules for bringing partners over because like it or not, people have different beliefs and views on abstinence and sexual intimacy. (This is a part of being an adult and is a natural part of being a young adult.). I would set firm boundaries with my roommates like making sure we get together and set rules. If not, then the leasing office gets involved. If a contract violation happens, then discuss it calmly and address it in a productive way. Not every roommate group is going to get along. I would wait to get a calendar schedule until everyone can chip in. I would communicate better and make sure that everyone is doing their best to pull their weight in the contract.
The following videos are from TV's Big Bang Theory on Sheldon and Leonard's roommate agreement PLUS Kaelyn Partlow and her roommate did a short on how they work together as roommates:
Okay, REALLY quick! I'll probably go into this more later, but...
PARENTS! If your child who is neurodiverse wants to be independent, do what you can to prepare them. This is where Task analysis and task initiation come into place! Make sure they can independently do what is needed so they can be 100% successful on their own. Practice and teach roommate skills. Have them practice communicating their boundaries effectively. Make sure they practice getting up on their own however that looks like. Look into getting them a private room (if you're able to afford it). Make sure they are ready to be independent before living with others!
This Post has been inspired by Jaclyn Hunt's 2021 book called Life Coaching for Adults on the Autism Spectrum: Discovering your True Potential pages 37-38.
What are some ways you can effectively set rules and boundaries with roommates? What are some ideas you have on how be a great roommate?
Happy Wednesday!! Thanks for reading!
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