Being a Friend vs. Being Friendly: A Neurodivergent Struggle

 

Have you ever met someone and thought "oh, they're being nice to me! I should be their friend, and have it not work out?"  Honestly, same.  Being autistic and neurodiverse, it can be hard to identify if I should be friends with someone or friendly.  Here's a little secret I've learned in the 27 years of my life: it is OKAY to not be friends with EVERYBODY!!--sometimes, people aren't looking to make friends or they're not interested in being friends with you and  THAT'S OKAY!! 

As much as we want to be friends with everyone, this isn't possible.  Seems rude, but sometimes if we push ourselves to be friends with people, it's not going to be in our favor.  

What we can do, is be NICE to others or just be friendly to them.  This doesn't mean we're best friends.  It just means we are respectful and kind to them.

But Alyssa! How can I tell if someone is being my friend or not?

Good question! I'm glad you asked!  Sometimes, it's hard to know if someone is being friendly or friends to us.  We have to know the difference or we can set ourselves up for hurt.  

✅ How to Tell If Someone Is a Friend vs. Just Friendly:

💛 A Friend:

  • Makes time for you on purpose, not just when it’s convenient.

  • Follows up or checks in—not just small talk in passing.

  • You feel safe being your full self around them (even if you’re having a meltdown, shutdown, or bad day).

  • You make plans together outside of where you usually see each other (like class, work, or mutual events).

  • There's mutual effort—they reach out sometimes too.

  • They support you, not just tolerate you.

  • They remember things about you (like your favorite show, your birthday, or what you're struggling with lately).

  • You feel seen and valued.

  • They celebrate your wins with you, and don’t disappear when things get hard.

  • You don’t have to mask as hard around them (or at all).

😊 Someone Who’s Friendly:

  • Smiles at you, makes small talk, says nice things—but it doesn’t go deeper.

  • Talks to you when they see you, but doesn't reach out otherwise.

  • Keeps the conversation surface-level (“How are you?” “Good!”) and doesn’t ask more.

  • Is polite, respectful, and kind—but doesn’t want to hang out or build a closer connection.

  • Might like you as a person, but isn’t looking to grow the relationship.

  • Doesn’t ask questions about your life or share much about theirs.

  • Often feels more like an acquaintance or someone who’s part of your routine, but not your inner circle

Neither one is bad!! Being friendly is awesome. But knowing the difference helps me protect my energy and avoid disappointment.  I've attached some videos for my visual learners who might need extra explanations on this.



So, what’s the takeaway here?
Being friendly is great. Being a friend is even better. But knowing the difference? That’s self-advocacy.

As an autistic adult, I’ve had to learn (sometimes the hard way) that not everyone who’s nice to me wants to be my friend—and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean I did something wrong. It doesn’t mean they’re mean. It just means they’re friendly—and that’s where it ends.

And honestly? That boundary has helped me protect my heart, time, mental health, and energy. Because real friendship is built on mutual effort, respect, and connection—not just polite smiles or one-off conversations.

So the next time you’re wondering, “Are we actually friends, or are they just being nice?”—check in with that list. You deserve people who choose you back. Always.

💛
You’re not too much.
You’re not too intense.
You’re not wrong for wanting connection.

You just deserve friendships that are real and that have meaning.

And let’s be real:
If someone isn’t replying to your texts, only sends one-word responses, or always makes excuses—they are not showing up like a friend. And that’s your cue to let go with love.




If you liked this blog post, comment, share, etc.  Have any comments, questions, etc.? Reach out to me by messaging me on instagram @agirllivingwithaudhd or email me  alyssa.onthespectrum@gmail.com.  


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