You've Got a Friend In Me--Why Friendship is Important Amongst People who are Neurodiverse

When you think of a "true friend" what do you think of?  

• Someone who cares about you? or someone who cares about themselves and only you when they need you?  
• Someone who is there for you through thick and thin? or someone who is only there when it benefits you?
• Someone who will reach out to you when you least expect it? or someone who expects you to reach out to them?
• Someone who makes you feel special? or someone who makes you feel stupid?

I'm hoping you chose the first options.  If you didn't, I would hope that you're okay.  Because that is NOT what a TRUE FRIEND is.  

Whether you love socializing or not, humans of all kind thrive on interaction.  We all socialize.  Especially if we have autism.  If you know someone who is non-verbal or struggles with talking, they can STILL communicate---it just looks different.  Below is a comparison between verbal and nonverbal communication.

The secret about friendship is, there's no look to it!  You can have friendships for many areas in your life.  As a former communications major, I remember talking about how important it is to have different friend groups. you're not always going to have everything in common with everyone.  We all have friends for certain needs.  For example, my main friend group right now, are my friends who I met at my Autism program at Utah Valley University.  We are all autistic and share a love for advocating, spending time with one another, and watching shows/movies together.  Do we spend every second of everyday together? No.  But, I would call them my primary friend group.  Now, I have some friends I've known for a while and we have certain things in common.  I don't talk to these people all of the time, but that doesn't mean I can't still be friends with them. 

I used to think that friendship had to look like the TV shows I watched growing up—like hanging out every day, texting nonstop, or always being in sync. But as I’ve gotten older (and especially as I’ve understood myself better throughout my autism journey), I’ve learned that friendship is so much more flexible than that. Some of the best friendships I’ve had came with learning about space, understanding, and acceptance that we all show up differently. And that’s okay.

For autistic people, this flexibility is essential. We might need downtime after socializing. We might connect better through special interests. We might communicate differently—but that doesn't mean we care any less. In fact, many of us care deeply. We just express it in our own ways. The key is finding friends who respect that. 

When you're on the autism spectrum, sometimes it's hard to find friends and/or to even keep friends.   It's important to note who is and who isn't your "besties".  People with autism, we sometimes tend to think (if we are hyperverbal people pleasers) that everyone is our best friends.  I'm going to say this nicely....not everyone is going to be our friends or be friendly to us.  Sometimes we are blind to where relationship boundaries lie with people and it's important to keep this in mind.  Personally, I've had times where I thought someone was my BFF, and they ended up not treating me like I was theirs.  I would end up being the one messaging them first and it was hard.  As adults on the spectrum, friends are going to come and go out of our lives, and we should remember that THIS IS COMPLETELY NORMAL.  

Here's a way to remember the levels of friendships/intimacy/relationships:

• People who you meet once like who you stand in line with at Disneyland and have a small conversation with and don't connect with, that is an example of an acquaintance. 
• Someone who you see at the store, but don't have a connection with, is an example of a stranger.  
• Someone who you see everyday and have some level of connection (you don't know much about them)  is what we call a classmate/coworker/casual friend. 
• A person who you talk to everyday, see everyday, and have a strong connection with is what we call a family member/close friend.
• A person who you have a sensual/sexual/physical intimate connection with is what is called a partner/spouse.
• Lastly, there's you.

The closer you get to the center of the "onion" (or whatever you want to call it), the more intimate or close you are with someone.  The farther away from time and connection you get from the center, the less information you share.  I've already shared this clip from Kaelyn Partlow on the Relationship Onion, but I'll always share it when talking about the importance of relationships and boundaries.

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(Above is a video on how to avoid miscommunication in relationships and how to balance that with reading social cues and stuff like that.)

Friendship isn't about quantity—it's about quality. For neurodiverse people like myself, a "true friend" is someone who makes space for the way our brains and hearts work. It's someone who lets us unmask, who doesn’t expect perfection, and who understands that sometimes, connection comes through shared silence, a special interest, or a funny meme at 1 a.m.

If you’re someone who struggles with friendship—maybe because you’ve been burned in the past, or maybe because you’re still learning where people fall on your “friendship onion”—please know that you’re not alone. You're learning, growing, and becoming more self-aware, and that in itself is powerful. Friendship is a skill, and like any skill, it can be learned, shaped, and refined over time.

So here's your reminder from one neurospicy soul to another:
✨ You deserve friendship that feels safe.
✨ You deserve people who choose you back.
✨ You’re not "too much" for the right people.

Some Disney Quotes on Friendship:

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1. "A day without a friend is like a pot without a single drop of honey left inside."
   — Winnie the Pooh
   A sweet reminder of the value of companionship.

2. "Good friends will help you until you're unstuck."
   — Winnie the Pooh
   Highlighting the supportive nature of true friends.

3. "You've got a friend in me."
   — Toy Story
   An iconic line celebrating steadfast friendship.

4. "Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten."
   — Lilo & Stitch
   Emphasizing that friends can become chosen family.

5. "Some people are worth melting for."
   — Olaf, Frozen
   A testament to selfless love and friendship.

6. "Every minute spent in your company becomes the new best moment of my life."
   — Bolt
   Capturing the joy of cherished moments with friends.

7. "When you're the best of friends having so much fun together, you're not even aware you're such a funny pair."
   — The Fox and the Hound
   Celebrating the effortless fun of true friendship.

8. "If everybody got somebody by the hand, maybe everyone could learn and understand."
   — Sebastian, The Little Mermaid
   A call for empathy and connection.

9. "I wouldn't trade it for anything. No. Never. Your friendship is the best present ever."
   — Tigger, Winnie the Pooh
   Expressing the priceless value of friendship.

10. "I knew when I met you an adventure was going to happen."
    — Winnie the Pooh
    Reflecting on the exciting journey of friendship.

As a reminder, if you liked this blog post, comment, share, etc.  Have any comments, questions, etc.? Reach out to me by messaging me on instagram @agirllivingwithaudhd or email me  alyssa.onthespectrum@gmail.com. 

Happy Tuesday and I'll catch ya tomorrow <3