I Didn't Know I Was Autistic---Until I was 23
I've been diagnosed with ADHD since 4-years-old (roughly) and autism (officially) since I was 18. I've known my whole life that I've had ADHD. My mom told me that with my energy, I should be lucky to have as much as I do as well as an abundance of creativity. She told me that my ADHD diagnosis is a blessing. As far as autism goes, now that's a whole story. I've had several versions in my head and have told people that I am a "late-diagnosis". In a way, I kind of am. However, my mom thinks that had there been more knowledge on the subject, especially in girls, I would've been diagnosed earlier in life. I was diagnosed by my special education teacher, but my ADHD doctor told my mom that other than the social stuff, I was "fine".
As a child, I was hyper-verbal (very talkative---looking back, definitely some aspects were vocal stims LOL) and hyper-lexic (advanced reader---I was so good at reading at a young age, I could've skipped a whole grade...but my mom wanted me to stay with the kids my age for the social aspect). I wasn't really into trains, planes, or any of the stereotypical autistic fixations as a kid. The only video games I played were Wii Sports, The Original Animal Crossing, I had a Tamagotchi, LEGO Star Wars (sorry Brooke) and LEGO Harry Potter, and Just Dance. Until around 2019, I had never really played Mario Kart, which is one of the popular games I've been told about by my fellow autistic peers.
All I knew growing up was ADHD and ADHD only. The only "exposure" I had to autism as a kid was from TWO BOYS in my childhood neighborhood. One was the youngest brother of my first piano teacher. He was a year younger than me and non-verbal. My mom told me that his mental age at the age of 7 was probably 4-years-old. He was VERY much into circular objects with holes like big rings that you might have played with as a baby and the base from the glass jar lids. He was also into keys. Thinking about it and writing about it, I can picture him coming into my lessons with keys or his baby circle toys. Because he ended up trusting me and growing to love me, he would come in and listen to me during my lesson. It was the cutest and most wholesome thing. The second boy, who is about 4 years younger than me, was the opposite of the first boy. He was VERY smart at such a young age. I remember one time he and I played the piano together and he was kind of showing off to me what he could play.
So, two very different experiences, but the thought never occurred to me that I could be autistic as a girl. I didn't know any girl who was autistic until I was 24.
Not knowing about my autism, I've felt very conflicted with thinking about getting diagnosed and knowing about my autism younger versus me not knowing about it until the age of 24. It's hard. My mom has recently told me that she didn't know the answer to what "diagnosis" I had or what to do. Autism was looked at differently in the 2000s. When I got my official diagnosis, my mom felt like I didn't need to know. She explained that she felt like if she gave me knowledge of it, I would've used it as an excuse to misbehave more or to get out of doing things. Part of me wonders if I would've gotten more help, but at the same time, I already felt like I was missing so much as a kid with my peers. The hardest part about being autistic, is probably feeling like you're behind your peers. My mask is off for this. I'm 27 years old right now and I've only been on 3 dates in my whole life. I have friends and former classmates who are my age who are on baby #3. It's hard because I saw myself as a kid wanting to get married in my early 20s and having babies by now. It clearly hasn't been that way and as much as I'm used to it, it can be hard at times. I honestly just remind myself of the state of the economy we're in right now and that I want to be able to be comfortable with where I'm at before I settle down.
It's hard to believe that I've been advocating for 3 years now. I've meet so many amazing people who are also autistic. It's refreshing to have people in your life who can empathize and relate to where you're at. It makes you feel seen, heard, and validated. I can accept that where I'm at in life, is where I'm at.
If you or anyone else you know is on the autism spectrum and is where I'm at (semi-late-diagnosis), PLEASE know you're/they're not alone!! Autism is a SPECTRUM for a reason. My advice, is to find people who also have autism. Surround yourself with people with and without autism, but build a community of people with autism. People with autism have a unique view of the world and deserve to feel included in society. Honestly, any autistic individual does whether they speak or not.
If you have any questions, comments, and/or concerns, please message me on my advocacy account on instagram @agirllivingwithaudhd or email me alyssa.onthespectrum@gmail.com and I will get back to you as soon as I can! Thanks!
HAPPY TUESDAY!!!
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