Double Empathy Problem

Communication.  We all do it, right?  Sometimes it's done in different ways.  We all communicate through verbal and nonverbal means. Verbal communication means communicating through our mouths. Nonverbal communication is communicating through different means.  Some people don't realize but it's more than just body language.  It's also the gestures we make with our hands, the volume of our voices, intonations of our voices, etc.  

With Double Empathy, that's where things take turns.  When you put an autistic and a neurotypical person together in conversation, think back to when I talked about what it's like being autistic.  You don't know what it's like being autistic if you're neurotypical and vice versa if you're neurotypical.  This can cause communication barriers like the whole going to a country scenario.  You cannot understand a local and they cannot understand you.  It's hard.  

How can we get over this barrier and hurdle??  Well...

1. Make the “invisible” visible.
   Often we miss each other’s unspoken rules. Try naming them out loud. For example, instead of expecting someone to “just know” when you need space, say something like “I need a few minutes alone right now and I’ll let you know when I’m ready to chat.” Likewise, if a non-autistic friend notices you looking overwhelmed, they can ask gently, “Do you need a break?” This kind of clear, simple check-in takes the guesswork out of social moments.

2. Learn each other’s styles. (be patient in the process)
   Just like learning greetings in a new culture, you can teach and learn preferred ways to communicate. Maybe you express excitement by flapping your hands, or maybe you prefer short, written messages instead of long phone calls. Share those preferences up front (“I’m a bullet-point person—text me when you can!”) and invite the other person to share theirs too. Over time you’ll build a little “phrasebook” of what works for both of you.

3. Practice perspective-taking—but don’t force it.
   It helps to pause and ask yourself “What might this feel like for them?” or “What does this look like from my friend’s point of view?”.  You don’t have to guess perfectly. Just saying “I’m not sure I understand—could you explain what that meant?” models curiosity instead of judgment. And the more you do it, the more natural it becomes to meet in the middle.

4. Use tools and supports.
   Visual aids, timers, shared calendars, or written agreements (“During our study group, let’s agree we’ll each take two-minute breaks every half hour”) can smooth out misunderstandings. Apps like Google Calendar or simple whiteboards let everyone see what’s planned and what’s coming next. That way no one has to secretly try to read minds.

5. Create low-pressure practice spaces.
   Join or start a small, neurodiversity-affirming group—a club, a class, even an online forum—where everyone’s learning about different ways of being social. In that kind of space you can try out new ways of talking or listening without worrying about “doing it wrong.” Over time those new habits carry over into other relationships.

6. Celebrate the wins.
   Whenever you bridge a tiny gap—like when a friend remembers to send a reminder text, or you successfully explain why you need to fidget—pause and recognize it. Positive feedback helps both people repeat what worked.

Remember, this isn’t about “fixing” one person. It’s two people building a little bilingual dictionary of feelings, signals, and routines. With patience, practice, and kindness, those invisible walls start to come down—and you end up with richer, more honest connections.

If you liked this blog post, comment, share, etc.  Have any comments, questions, etc.? Reach out to me by messaging me on instagram @agirllivingwithaudhd or email me  alyssa.onthespectrum@gmail.com.