Being Social Can Feel Like a Performance...It Doesn't Have to!

Think of a time where you were going to approach someone, but didn't because you didn't know what to say or how to say it.  This is an example of social anxiety.  Some people have Social Anxiety Disorder and some people just have social anxiety.  Dealing with social anxiety can make making friends hard, especially for someone who is autistic or someone who has ADHD.  

A person with social anxiety disorder feels symptoms of anxiety or fear in situations where they may be scrutinized, evaluated, or judged by others, such as speaking in public, meeting new people, dating, being on a job interview, answering a question in class, or having to talk to a cashier in a store.

I'll say this, we often feel like we are getting judged by everyone we see.  The truth is, no one really cares about you as much as you think that they do.  If they do, they're insecure about themselves or they've got other issues.  Many of us have been rejected or misunderstood in the past.  The negative experiences we've had with socializing can sometimes be the cause of social anxiety.

I have friends who have social anxiety.  It's hard to watch them want to talk to people and not have the power to do so.  I've noticed that some of my friends have it so bad, they will avoid texting because they don't want to offend anyone or they think they will. --If you're like this, no need to worry.  

I'll admit that I have a little social anxiety.  It isn't too bad compared to other people. However, when I've talked to guys I've liked in the past, I tense up and avoid talking to them.

Let's watch a small clip on what social anxiety disorder is.

This can be a major social barrier to people who are neurodiverse.  I feel like a lot of my friends who have this problem, might struggle with their values and self-worth.  These problems can provide social and communication barriers to people with any neurodiversity. "Oh, I can't read well, so I guess that means my friends who are reading this big book series see me as someone who can't read."  NOPE!!  Mental health is so complex (I don't have a degree in it--yet) that you need MANY psychology classes and books to be able to understand the human mind.  

Think about it! You're neurospicy, but also have a lot of internal struggles.  The downside of mental health is some people are really good at hiding (masking) their traits until it gets to be too much for them to handle.  

Let's do an example!  Annie is 21-years old, goes by she/her/hers, is bisexual, she's 5-foot 3-inches, got an ADHD diagnosis at age 8, got diagnosed with low-support needs autism at age 12, has minor Tourettes Syndrome (has small tics that are small and manageable), is majoring in psychology at her local university with a 4.0 GPA (her goal is to be a mental health clinician), she has to have the latest and greatest clothing and make-up to be able to mask her autism, she lives on her own in a single bedroom apartment because sharing a room is overwhelming, she just got diagnosed with social anxiety and severe depression by her primary care doctor, she spends more time in her room than with her roommates and classmates.  Annie had friends growing up, but when she received her autism diagnosis, her peers thought less of her (there was little to no understanding of autism when she received her diagnosis, especially in girls).  Annie meets people online in social media groups and only has 2-3 friends she sees in person.  Her social anxiety has caused her many problems recently.  Thankfully, school is going well, but getting jobs and keeping jobs are part of her social anxiety struggles.  Annie is worried that people will judge her because of her autism and ADHD.  Her therapist and parents are concerned about her mental health.  She is medicated for everything she has and has been doing interventions for her ADHD with her IEP (individualized educational plan) and accommodations.  Her therapist recommended that Annie should talk to at least one new person each day and make small talk.  She also invited Annie to make a list of her goals, values, and things she sees that are important to her.  By doing this, Annie has been going out of her bedroom more, her roommates are talking to her more, her mood has changed a lot, and her therapist is satisfied with the intervention they put in place for her.  

Thinking about what's going on inside of someone's head is so interesting. Adding social anxiety to the mix of someone who already struggles socially (autism) can be challenging.

Inside Out 2 (2024) depicts anxiety perfectly for 13-year-old Riley.  While it's not technically social anxiety, we know that the role of anything anxiety-related is to protect us from harm.  Like a fight-or-flight response.  The scene occurs at the end of the film when Anxiety decides to try to help Riley fit in and everything backfires on Anxiety. Watch this scene below.

I watched this 15min20sec TEDx Talk given by Doctor Fallon Goodman from November 2021. 

Here are my notes from the video as a transcript:

• “To avoid being noticed by other people” =power of social anxiety.

• Social anxiety is the fear of being rejected.

• When we become socially anxious, we are hyper-focused on our appearance to others.

• We scan the room looking for…

o Signs of threat and disapproval.

o Signs we might have slipped up.

o Risk for rejection.

• We seek comfort in…

o Signs of approval.

 Smiles

 Head nods

 laughing 

• Social anxiety tries to protect us from rejection.

• Humans are social.

• Rejection is painful.

• Rejection is unpleasant. 

• Social anxiety becomes problematic when it begins to interfere with the life that you want to live.

• Fear of rejection + view of self = When you believe you’ll be rejected.

• Fear of rejection= fear of being less than. Over time, this belief system can evolve into social anxiety disorder.

• When a person has social anxiety disorder, they become overly concerned that people scrutinize them, evaluate them harshly, and ultimately reject them.

o They end up constructing their lives so they can avoid rejection.

• SAD (social anxiety disorder) =common mental illnesses in the world.  Some put it only 2nd to depression.

• In the U.S., <12% of the population will have diagnosable social anxiety disorder (roughly 40-billion people).

o Worldwide estimates = (lower than the U.S.) 4% (≈300 million people)

• SAD is widely misdiagnosed.

• Myths about SAD:

o People with SAD prefer to be alone in their bedroom than out in the world interacting with others.

 Contrary to this myth, people with SAD desire long healthy relationships to the same degree as those without mental illness.

o People with social anxiety avoid the spotlight.

o Social anxiety is fleeting and harmless.

 You can’t just grow out of it.

 Without interventions, it can be with a person for years or decades.

 It can influence every aspect of a person’s life.

 It robs individuals of their greatest resource: other people.  Other people help us overcome adversity, illness, loss, etc.

• There is no one-size-fits-all with social anxiety.

• We are more connected today than ever before.  However, we are lonelier, more depressed, and more socially anxious than ever.

• We have more tools to socialize, yet we are seeing a decay in social connection.

• Technology and social media have created new standards for social relationships and interactions. (post it, share it, like it, love it…)

• We try to make sense of unlimited feedback from a massive and often invisible audience.

• Cost of social blunders= higher

• Things you do and say could live online forever and subject you to unforgiving scrutiny, reputation, loss, and job loss.

• Influence of technology and social media will grow not shrink.

• NOW IS THE TIME TO ADDRESS SOCIAL ANXIETY!!!

How to Address Social Anxiety:

1. Identify early.

• Early detection is critical.

• More than ½ will develop social anxiety before their 14th birthday.

• Adults who were diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and a mood disorder like depression, social anxiety came first 70% of the time.

• It starts early and puts people at risk for developing other mental illnesses.

• Can be reliably and accurately flagged by asking just a few simple questions.

o Does your fear of rejection among one of your worst fears?

o Does your fear of rejection get in the way of doing things that you otherwise want to be or enjoy doing?

• Embed early detection programs into our existing structures.

o Schools—new year orientation, one-on-one counselor meetings.

o Primary care settings—if a doctor can screen for depression, they can also screen for social anxiety.

• Early detection + early intervening can significantly alter the trajectories of young people.

2. Harness your platform.

• A single person can have a ton of power.

o Using platforms to create meaningful and lasting social change.

• We can do this however big or small.

• Conversations about mental health can ultimately reduce stigmas, correct harmful myths, and get people the help that they need.

3. Foster social courage 

• Addressing Social Anxiety is not about preventing or avoiding rejection. 

• Addressing social anxiety is about fostering social courage.

• Social courage = pursuing experiences & knowing that your chances of rejection are not zero.  Knowing your worth & finding people and social groups that love and accept that person. 

o Asking that person out.

o Applying for that job.

o Speaking up at that meeting/party.

o Giving that big talk on that big stage.

o Growth and purpose shine brighter.

The following images are ways you can overcome social anxiety!

Let's continue to reduce the stigma for social anxiety!  If you believe you have social anxiety, go to your primary care physician or therapist to get help.

If you liked this blog post, comment, share, etc. Have any comments, questions, etc.? Reach out to me by messaging me on instagram @agirllivingwithaudhd or email me alyssa.onthespectrum@gmail.com.