🚩 RED FLAGS & RELATIONSHIPS🚩 : Why They're Important in Neurodiversity

 

Have you ever had someone you thought was your friend—only to realize they were just using you? Have you ever been around someone who made you feel like you had no worth?  Guess what? Those are  prime examples of RED FLAGS.

If you don't know what a red flag is, let me help you with defining it for you.  Simply, a red flag is a warning of some kind of danger.  It's been used in terms of weather and boating, but it can also be used in relationships too.  Relationships such as dating, marriage, friendships, and even coworkers.  Red flags can show up anywhere and are important to look out for.

Being autistic, it is common to be blind to red flags.  I've had many "friends" over the years who've used me.  If you don't know me, I'm a people pleaser.  This is something I'm not very proud of because it's got me in a lot of messes with the relationships of people I surround myself with.

For instance, I have a friend who I met about two years ago.  This person has a car.  This person is in my autism program.  (Keep this in mind: Most people on the spectrum, such as adults, may not have a license or a car.). Because this person has a car, a lot of people would use this person to get places.  It got to the point where I realized that people were misusing my friend and they weren't seeing the repercussions until it got serious.  I noticed that the people who were using my friend didn't say "thank you" and basically saw my friend as a chauffeur.  If you are doing this to someone, QUIT DOING IT!! It's not healthy to use someone like this! Our program director told my friend that they were no longer allowed to drive people around (with some exceptions of people who were their friends).  Earlier this year, my friend got into a pretty bad accident where the person who caused the accident made my friend's car not drivable.  We were friends with someone who we had many altercations with prior to this incident.  Once my friend's car accident happened, the person who we thought was our friend, stopped contacting us (or so we thought---this person used me and was impolite when we got together.  When we watched movies, this person wouldn't watch them with us.  They put in their headphones and showed they didn't care to be with us.). Looking back, it showed us so many toxic behaviors we were encountering with some people.  My mom told us that when someone shows you their true colors...you avoid them!  I've never agreed with her more on this.

That being said, I still struggle with Red Flag Blindness.  It's totally common to experience especially if you are someone who wants to be friends with everyone.  Remember what I said yesterday?!? Not everyone is going to be your friend!  I'll say this: toxic and negative behavior is contagious.  People's personalities CAN RUB OFF on us!! If you're having a hard time with someone, give them space for at least a week.  See if you feel better with the space.  If you do, then you know that your relationship with them is on the line and if they're not respecting you and your boundaries, it's time to part ways.  I know, I know...you're not being mean if you handle it respectfully.  You can take your time to ween this person off.  I mean, look! By giving each other space for a week or so, you removed some of that bandaid or made it looser and easier to peel off in a painless way... Once you remove that gross bandaid, you're going to look back and thank yourself for getting rid of someone who was so toxic to you that you felt depressed just being around them.  

Remember: IT'S OKAY TO REMOVE TOXIC PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!!!!!

Below is a list of possible green and red flags to look for.  
  

🌿 Green Flags	🚩 Red Flags
Consistent and respectful communication	Inconsistent communication; ignores or dismisses your messages
Respects your boundaries and personal space	Disregards your boundaries; pressures you into uncomfortable situations
Supports your goals and celebrates your achievements	Undermines your goals; feels threatened by your success
Takes responsibility for their actions and apologizes sincerely	Blames others for their mistakes; avoids accountability
Encourages your independence and personal growth	Attempts to control your decisions and isolates you from others
Listens actively and validates your feelings	Dismisses your emotions; uses guilt or manipulation to control you
Demonstrates consistency between words and actions	Says one thing but does another; unreliable behavior
Treats others with kindness and respect, regardless of status	Disrespects service staff or speaks poorly about others behind their backs
Allows you to be your authentic self without judgment	Criticizes or mocks your interests, appearance, or neurodivergent traits
Shows empathy and understanding during conflicts	Becomes defensive, aggressive, or gives the silent treatment during disagreements

The videos above are for my visual learners on red flags and the differences between healthy and toxic friendships.

Now, our goal is to surround ourselves and to BE green flags to others.  The following video is a video on how to be a better friend, but also covers why having friends is important to us as humans.

Next time you're with your friends, ask yourself, "are my friends making me feel good about myself or are they making me feel like I don't have purpose?"  You deserve friends who choose you, respect you, and help you feel safe. ❤️

If you liked this blog post, comment, share, etc.  Have any comments, questions, etc.? Reach out to me by messaging me on instagram @agirllivingwithaudhd or email me  alyssa.onthespectrum@gmail.com.