Communication, Boundaries, & Friendship in the Adult Disability Community

 


We’ve all been in relationships at some point, right? If you haven’t, I feel for you. This one’s for my disability folks—especially my invisible disability people (ADHD, Autism, learning disabilities—I see you!).

Sometimes whether we are similar to someone or not, we will clash and argue.  Arguing is a part of life.  It is how you communicate your feelings effectively that makes all the difference.  I'm gonna be vulnerable here: I struggle with sincerely apologizing when I'm in the wrong.  I feel guilty and don't want to admit full fault.  I'm working on that, but I want you to know if you are reading this and you feel inadequate about how you communicate with people that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Having two people with invisible disabilities being friends can be challenging.  For instance, one person could have a phrase that they say all of the time and it makes their friend feel uncomfortable.  Recently, I've had people in my life who have had gone through this situation.  The overall situation is no big deal! Just so everyone is aware they gave me their permission and consent to talk about the situation, I'm just not going to use their names as a way to give them privacy and respect!  Neither of them was hurting the other or saying anything harmful about anyone or anything.   The person who says the phrase, uses it as a way to stimulate themselves.  It used to be funny when they first started saying it, but overtime others got annoyed with it.  It made it so the other person who they are friends with was frustrated on how often their friend would say it.  I told them both and reassured them that they both have disabilities and they should talk it out and at least meet each other half way.  For now, they are both going to work on communicating with each other since they are both adults.

Over the past several years as a person with a unique brain, I feel like the most important thing is patience.  Why? Because people who are neurodivergent or have a learning disability struggle from time-to-time with processing certain commands and requests.  Sometimes we take time or we may need friendly reminders.  I'll say this, if and when people aren't patient with me, it makes me sad because they don't see my full potential.  

When you're trying to set boundaries with someone, try to say something like this: "When you say/do ______, I feel/it makes me feel ______".  

For example, Nicole's friend Lacie swears a lot.  Nicole is a devout Christian who doesn't like to hear cuss words, it makes her feel uncomfortable. Nicole and Lacie have been friends for 5-years and recently Lacie's over-cussing has been making Nicole feel uncomfortable.  Nicole decides to set a boundary with Lacie to address how she's feeling about it.  "Lacie, I don't like it when you cuss around me, it makes me feel like you don't respect my beliefs since you know I don't like hearing cuss words." Lacie decides to respond by saying, "Nikki, I forgot you didn't like to hear cussing.  I am so sorry you heard me cussing.  If I slip up, remind me and be patient with me as I try to cuss less.  Is that okay?" Nicole can say, "sure I will help you out with that, but is it okay to use words like 'darn it'? or 'motherforker'?"  Lacie says this, "yes. I'm so glad we're still friends after this and we were able to communicate this effectively".  

I'll say this, sometimes if someone is going against your values with how they're acting, then that is when you re-evaluate your closeness to them.

At the end of the day, it's up to you.  However, I hope you learned a lot from today's blog.  It's always important to remember that in any relationship whether you've got a disability or not, communication is key.

 If you liked this blog post, PLEASE comment down below on what your favorite part was, and feel free to share it with your friends and family, etc.  Have any comments, questions, etc. about what you were reading? Reach out to me by messaging me on Instagram or TikTok @neurospicyblondie or email me alyssa.onthespectrum@gmail.com for any inquiries. 


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