Boundaries are good

What is a boundary?  A boundary is a limit that is set between one or more parties.  I know that I have struggled with this, but recently, I feel like I have been better at doing so.  For someone who is on the Autism spectrum, sometimes it can be hard to set a boundary or respect a boundary that someone has set up for you.  

WHY ARE BOUNDARIES IMPORTANT?

We all know that as humans, we need social interaction with people.  Here’s the thing, we’re not all going to agree on certain topics.  If you live in America you can argue that we have the freedom of speech as a right, but rights are privileges and most of the time they can come with consequences.  Words are powerful no matter what language.  Yes, you can look at them as just sounds or weird shapes, but mankind has been around for thousands of years and has used words as ways to express feelings and thoughts and ways to describe actions, objects, people, places, and basically anything else.  Sometimes the words people say can offend others around us.  Growing up, my parents have taught me that when you are talking with a group of people, you have to avoid topics like religion, politics, and any other topic that comes across as controversial.  However, when I meet new people, I have tried to establish boundaries by figuring out where we can set the boundaries with each other.  I briefly discuss their views on politics by asking what they believe in and state that if we don’t agree on it, we won’t talk about it again.  (I don’t unfriend people based on their beliefs.  Unless they try to force me or threaten me to agree with them.)  For others, it can be hard to set boundaries like that.  If this is something you struggle with, I would commend you to avoid those topics in general.  If they come up, try to avoid them. 

In my autism program, I have experienced a classmate who has had a lack of respect for the boundaries I have laid out for them.  (By means of privacy as a means to respect this individual, I will not disclose their name or gender.)   It hurts my heart because to me, this isn’t how a friend should be.  They have been known to bring up extremely controversial topics, where they know I’ve talked to them many times about how I feel about those topics and would rather that we just avoid those topics.  They don’t like how I set that boundary.  Which has unfortunately caused me to set further boundaries with them (for other reasons too) by sharing that I am only comfortable with just being classmates.  As of right now, they are not okay with that.  This situation has made me realize that I have probably done this before to others.  If I have done this to you and you are reading this, I am sorry!  I now know what it feels like to have your boundaries tested by someone who doesn’t want to respect those boundaries.  

HOW CAN BOUNDARIES HELP?

When communicating with people in your life in a healthy and positive way, explaining why you need to set any kind of boundary will help you in the long run.  Saying things like, “I would love to go to the movies with you, but I am broke and cannot afford to go right now.  Maybe after I get paid, we can go” expresses that you don’t have the money since you probably just spent all of your money on bills and expenses and it tells the person who invited you that you can’t go for that reason.  If the person disrespects the boundary, you can either give them a chance to fix it or explain to them that you might need to take a break from doing things with them since you don’t feel like they are respecting the boundaries you have made with them and for them. There are many other ways you can express boundaries in a nice way.  We all want to make and keep friends, right?

Boundaries are made and set so that people don’t get hurt.  Getting along with others can be challenging, especially on the spectrum.  After putting my mental health first this year, I feel like boundaries are important things to have in any relationship.

Can I BE Any More Depressed? A Special Interest Tribute to Matthew Perry

 “I’m hopeless, and awkward, and desperate for love!” (Matthew Perry/Chandler Bing, 1994-2004).  One of my absolute favorite quotes from Matthew Perry who played the beloved Chandler Bing on the hit 90’s sitcom Friends (1994-2004).  Anyone who knows me, knows that my comfort show since 2012 has been the show Friends (1994-2004) and the characters that I relate to the most right now are, Chandler Bing and Phoebe Buffay, played by Matthew Perry and Lisa Kudrow.  If you have been up to date on the news this past week (October 23-29), you know that there is a war going on in Israel, there was a mass shooting in Lewiston, Maine, and by the way Matthew Perry suddenly passed away Saturday October 28th at the age of 54.  As devastating as the other top stories in the news from this last week are, the news of the sudden passing of Matthew Perry hit me the most.

Being on the spectrum, like I talked about for FanX, you might have a hyperfixation (or more).  I’ve been hyper fixated on Friends (1994-2004) for the longest time.  I was born halfway through the show’s run on television, and my parents were the same age as the characters on the show when it was airing.  Which means, they were almost going through the same things as the characters on the show were.  If you don’t know what it is about, the show Friends (1994-2004) was on the air for ten seasons.  It aired on NBC as part of their “must-see-TV” on Thursday nights.  It takes place in New York City, New York, and is about six friends who are in their mid-twenties who are in the stage of life where your friends are like your family.  The show ends when the cast is in their thirties and moving on with their separate lives.  As you can tell, I am passionate about this show.  I could go on and on about what this show is about without spoiling anything.  To prove how much of a fan I am and how much this show means to me, I did a psychology assignment on this show using the psychologist Erik Erikson’s developmental stage of intimacy v. isolation (which is a stage of development that takes place during your early adult life).  As someone who is where they were in the first season with trying to figure things out, it has become more relevant to me as I get older.  I remember vaguely watching parts of the last 

season of the show with my mom as it was airing on TV.  I was about six-years-old when the show ended, but again, I remembered watching parts of the last season with my mom. 

If you have experienced the death of a loved one, you know that grief is hard and different for each person.  I will say that each relationship I’ve had that’s no longer alive, I have grieved differently than the person before that.  For example, I knew that my mom’s mom (aka my Mema) was dying and the emotions were almost like depression and acceptance, but sometimes since she’s been gone for so long, I will feel denial and depression and will find myself uncontrollably crying.  When my Grandma Collier passed away, I was in shock.  I wasn’t expecting her to pass away so suddenly.  I remember talking to my aunt on the phone and sobbing so hard that my makeup came off.  When I found out that Matthew Perry died, my friend texted me in caps that he died and I wanted to make sure that she was right.  She was.  Three different entertainment news outlets had posted the news. Mortified. Shocked. Heartbroken.  No words could come out of my mouth to express how I felt. He is between my mom and dad’s ages.  He was only 54-years-old when he died.  If you do not know about his sad life, I would read articles about it or even his memoir that he released in 2022 about his drug addiction.  

I know I don’t know Matthew Perry personally, but his character Chandler Bing, was one of my favorite characters on the show and it really hit home when I found out that he died.  I don’t know if it’s the neurodiverse part of me that is reacting this way or what, but it was how I reacted.  Now, less than 24-hours after news broke on the matter, I am still in shock and on the verge of tears.  Rest in peace Matthew Perry.  Thanks for all the years of laughter and joy you brought to this world.  I know I didn’t know you, but your character Chandler was a relatable character who you brought to life.  Thank you again Mr. Perry.  Your legacy will live on.

Mental Health & The Spectrum

Have you ever had a day where you feel like you are just too unmotivated to do anything? Mental health can do that to you. For years, society has been known to keep issues like mental health on the down low by basically ignoring it. We as humans are born with basic emotions. As we grow, develop, and become a member of society, those emotions grow and develop too. We also have some emotions that become an additional part of our lives as we go through different kinds of experiences. We are all born with different areas of health in our lives, such as: our physical health (the part of our health that has to do with our physical bodies like what we eat, our looks, our heart health, etc.), our spiritual health (the part of our health that we use to connect to whatever higher power we believe in and how we practice those beliefs through prayer, meditation, etc.), our sexual health (this is the part of our health that involves our reproductive organs and how we take care of them–even if we aren’t active), and our mental health (which is the part of our health that involves our brains, how we see ourselves/our self-esteem, etc.). Today, is all about mental health and being on the autism spectrum.

We all have different ways on how we deal with mental health. At some point or another, we have all gone through situations that trigger our mental health in some way. Personally, I believe that mental health is the number one aspect of our health that we need to be better at. In today’s world, it is hard to find someone’s life that isn’t our own and be jealous of it. Whether it be where the individual is at or if they are looking extra beautiful in that photo or video that was posted. A lot of people view social media as a negative effect on mental health. I won’t get too much into my beliefs on this, but in a nutshell, I would have to say as much as some of that is true there are positive aspects to social media. We all experience mental health differently. Two of the most common mental health “emotions” we deal with are anxiety and depression. If you have never felt anxious in your life, you are one lucky person. Anxiety is the fear of the unknown. Depression is the negative way(s) we feel about a certain situation or aspect of our life. As someone who is on the autism spectrum, who processes and deals with emotions differently than someone who is neurotypical, anxiety and depression are two things that I have struggled with tremendously for a long time now.
Being autistic or being neurodiverse can greatly impact how someone experiences mental health challenges. I know people who are on the autism spectrum, who will have moments where they seem fine and then anxiety and depression hit and they’re showing a different side of themselves. I have been known to be one of those people. It can be hard. Why? Because when I am doing great mentally, I show my outgoing and friendly side. When I am struggling, I act shy and distance myself. Lately, this has been what I’ve been doing, which isn’t the best, but we can’t always have every day be full of rainbows and butterflies.

 
Again, why is mental health important? When you’re going through a depressive episode, it feels like you’re in a dark room or you’re dealing with a bad rainstorm where it can be a struggle to see the light at the end of it or even the rainbow. 

 

If you are struggling with a bad episode of mental health, call 988 to talk to the Suicide Prevention hotline (especially if you are SEVERELY suicidal), talk to a friend (or more) that you can trust to be vulnerable with, write down your thoughts in a journal, meditate, make sure you are eating healthy, and/or get an appointment to see a therapist.

Can Pop Culture be a Hyper Fixation?

 Imagine a world where everyone liked and was fascinated with the same things as you.  Hard to imagine, right?  As much as we all wish for there to be someone who is just like us, that isn’t the case.  In my 25 years of living experience, I’ve noticed that humans and and will attract those who are similar to them.  There are psychology and communication theories that support this argument.  We all have at least one similarity with someone out there.  Even if they seem like they are complete opposites of us.  We tend to make friends with people due to common interests and common life experiences. 

 What does this have to do with being autistic or having ADHD?  Well, since the autism spectrum is nowadays viewed as a circle rather than a straight line. The image below is a visual of what the autism spectrum looks like.

One of the areas that is common in autistic individuals is hyper fixations.  This is when you are completely immersed in a certain subject and/or topic by engrossing yourself in it.  When I was younger, the common misconception on autistic individuals was a hyper fixation in planes, trains, and automobiles.  None of those were my cup of tea.  I would play with toy cars at my grandparent’s house growing up, but I never really go into the idea of learning more about them or being obsessed with them.  However, my hyper fixations have changed over the years. A common theme in my hyper fixations over the years I’ve discovered is pop culture.

Pop culture, one of the most influential things that has ever happened to society.  It is and can be a conversational topic just because of all the subparts.  How is pop culture a hyperfixation for an autistic individual?  Apparently, when I was younger, it wasn’t looked at as a common hyperfixation for girls who are on the spectrum just because it is a topic that can be brought up in everyday life.  This was one of the times where people would tell my mom that, “she doesn’t appear to be autistic because…”  Well, guess what?  It is!  

When I look back at all of the things I was hyper fixated in, they include: The Sound of Music (1965), Garth Brooks, Robots (2005), Sky High (2005), the Backstreet Boys/*NSYNC, the Princess Diaries films (2001-2004), High School Musical trilogy (2006-2008), Hannah Montana (2006-2009), Jonas Brothers, Harry Potter franchise (2001-2011), Hunger Games trilogy (2012-2015), the Marvel Universe (2012), Justin Bieber, Harry Styles, Tom Holland, Friends TV show (1994-2004), Disney movies, and Disney Parks.  Those are just some examples of my hyper fixations from over the years. Seems like pretty “normal” topics to be into, right?  They’re conversational and broad topics that people can discuss regularly.  Ask anyone who knows me and knows me well, when I get immersed into one of my hyper fixations I either talk about them constantly or my ADHD impulsivity takes over and I end up with merchandise from whatever I’m hyper fixated on at the moment.  

Speaking of my pop culture hyper fixation, this last week, I was lucky enough to attend FanX Comic Convention in Salt Lake City, Utah.  This was my third time ever attending the convention.  Anyone who has been to a convention knows that you can have the chance to cosplay (which is dressing up as your favorite fictional character).   This year, I chose to cosplay two blonde icons.  Cher Horowitz from Clueless (1995) and the fairy Tinkerbelle.  On the last day of the convention, I attended a panel that talked about the influence of pop culture in society.  The people who hosted it, run a podcast that talks about pop culture.  One of the things that was talked about was how you can either embrace being part of a fandom or immerse yourself into it, which I thought was so relevant to the convention.   I’ve seen some people who end up spending thousands of dollars on their cosplays just for the convention and some people don’t dress up, but still participate.  

My point today is that no matter where you are on the spectrum, hyper fixations can look different on many autistics.  This has been apparent to me over the last year.  Stereotyping autism has been a pet peeve of mine.  Just because someone can communicate and can speak full sentences, doesn’t mean they aren’t on the spectrum.  I know that the diagnosis for autism has been around for almost 100-years, but that doesn’t mean that we can find answers to help those on the spectrum who appear to be normal but whose autism might mirror mine. 

WHO AM I?--My Self-discovery

 

Who am I?  A question that everyone has asked about themselves at certain points in their lives (or all the time).  This has been a question that has been on my mind for a while, especially as I have started a new chapter of my adult life after getting my college degree.  After I graduated college, I struggled with transitioning into adulthood.  I spent about three months after I graduated unemployed. Then, once I thought I had a job secured, after almost two months into the job, I lost it.  Then, in one month, I had gone through two more jobs.  Two months later, I had two other jobs that I had lost (one of them was a scam and I didn’t get paid, even though I was promised I would be).  This caused me at the age of 24-years-old to really ask that question to myself, “who am I?”.  By the end of that year, I was able to keep a job for 3-4 months, which was a small victory.

Who am I?  That question would end up becoming the defining question of the year 2023 for me.  After dealing with a lot of things that weighed down on my mental health, I realized that I needed to take a step back and assess where I am at.  I will be honest, I wasn’t really informed about my autism diagnosis or how it had presented itself over the course of my life.  All I knew was that I had severe ADHD and oh yeah! High-functioning autism…whatever that was.  I was able to work with vocational rehabilitation services and a job coaching agency that helped me get the job that I was able to keep for 4 months.  I did discover that I was having difficulties dealing with coworkers who were emotionally and verbally abusing me as well as (not knowing at the time) being over and understimulated, which caused me to go through panic/anxiety attacks.    For nine months now, I have been learning more about myself as a neurodiverse woman.

What is neurodiversity?  In simplistic terms, it is a unique way to describe how the brain works for people and how they see the world around them socially, behaviourally, intelligently, as well as how a person thinks.  It is also defined as the different ways that a person’s brain processes information.  It is an “umbrella term”, which means that it holds some “disabilities” such as ADHD/ADD, autism spectrum disorder, dyslexia, dyspraxia, and dyscalculia.  Only 15-20% of the world’s population are considered neurodiverse.

As I’ve mentioned before, I have ADHD and autism spectrum disorder.  What are ADHD and autism spectrum disorder(ASD)?  I assume some of you know what ADHD is.  ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder) is a neurodevelopmental disorder that affects about 5% of the world’s population. It is the most common neurodevelopmental disorder that can make it hard to pay attention to things, can complicate the ability to pay attention, as well as self-control.  It can affect an individual at school, home, work, etc.  For me, it affected all aspects of my life.  When I was in grade school, I remember that I struggled with paying attention to my teachers during lessons.  I would blurt out answers to questions without raising my hand and  I would be disruptive by talking to my friends and/or passing notes to them in class.  It was hard to figure out how to fit in.  It honestly felt like no one knew what I was unless they were part of the special education program.  As I got older and “grew out” of the special education program, I was able to learn how to work on the things I struggled with in school.  I found out that taking notes on lessons and lectures helped me to pay attention and allowed me to refrain from blurting out as much as I was doing when I was younger.  I’ve also noticed that having ADHD, when I’m at home, I’ve struggled with staying focused on my homework and on other important tasks like doing chores.  I either take longer than the normal amount of time it should take an individual to or I become so hyperfocused in the task that I can do it and finish it with no problem with the time. For example, one weekend a few years ago, I had a list of assignments I had to do, but I had family coming over so I had to try to see how much I could do.  I was able to complete all of my assignments with some time to spare before they came and was still able to get a good grade on all of the assignments that I completed.  Now, let’s talk about autism!  Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is another neurodevelopmental disorder that affects an individual’s social interactions, repetitive behaviours/restricted interests, and communication difficulties, which usually co-exist with sensory issues like having over/under sensitivity to taste, smell, touch, and/or sound.   Autism is a spectrum which presents itself differently for those who have it.  My autism has shown itself at different times in my life. 

It’s amazing how this year, I have learned so much about myself and my mental health.  I have had so many “ah-ha” moments this year as I have read more about ADHD and autism as well as watching TED talks on the subjects.  To anyone reading this blog feeling like they can relate to it, talk to a therapist or professional who can look into diagnosing you with such.  Being diagnosed has helped me to be able to relate to people who are just like me.

If you have any questions or further insights on this, please feel free to reach out to me on social media.  I recently started an advocacy page for mental health/neurodiversity on Instagram which is @agirllivingwithaudhd.  

Re-Introducing Me!

 Wow!  It’s been a long time since I posted here!  A lot has happened since 2020 (obviously).  I am going to reintroduce myself and share the purpose of this blog that I have restarted.

My name is Alyssa.  I turned 25-years-old in April (I don’t want to talk about the fact that I am one year closer to 30, thank you very much).  December 2021, I received my Bachelor’s Degree in Communication Studies from Utah Valley University. (I’m considering getting my Master’s in Psychology)   I have lived in three different apartments since 2020/2021.  2020-2021 school year I was blessed with the best roommates ever!  We didn’t get along well at first, but as time went on, we bonded so much.  From July-August 2021 I lived in Orlando, Florida to work at Walt Disney World. Other than the horrible roommate experience and severe homesickness that led to depression, I had a great time and experience.  I learned so many things in such a small time. (I miss it there a lot!)  2022 was probably the roughest and toughest year of my life, especially with roommates.  The first place I lived at in 2022, my roommates were hardly ever home and when they were, they were always loud and didn’t really seem to get along with me.  The last place I lived at, one of my roommates was annoyed by me and offended by a situation that had happened that I had no control over, which made it so I couldn’t have friends over or she would kick them out.  She was manipulative and had extreme OCD.   At the end of 2022, I was evicted from the place I was living and ended up having to quit my job and move back in with my parents.

2023 has been a wonderful year for me so far.  Why?  Because I have been learning so much about myself and taking things slow so that I can get back on top of things and be able to adult again.   This year I learned more about my autism.  Now, why does that matter?  I feel like learning more about yourself in a psychological way is beneficial.  It doesn’t mean you have to put a label on yourself.  It just involves having a clearer idea of who you are and a better way to identify yourself, especially when it comes to behavioral and emotional issues.  My whole life, I’ve known that I have ADHD.  My parents knew at a young age and I was diagnosed and have been medicated for many years.  The autism side of things is a tricky thing.  This year, I learned that higher-functioning autism and women has been an uncommon thing until recently.  For me, my mother told me that I was diagnosed with Aspergers (which is what high-functioning autism was called for a while), then I was undiagnosed because I was able to communicate verbally, I wasn’t obsessed with the normal autistic hyperfixations, and I was able to make eye contact.  Once I became an adult, my mother decided to put me into therapy where I was given the diagnosis of high-functioning autism.  To be perfectly honest, I didn’t know what autism was for me.  The only people I knew that were on the spectrum were boys and one of them was very non-verbal and the other could communicate verbally, but was really smart and intelligent.  I didn’t understand the concept or wasn’t aware of what autism was until this year.  I wanted to look into starting a podcast, which would educate people on autism and women, but that has been put on hold for now.   I have been participating in a program for adults who are on the spectrum to be able to function better in the world and communicate better with people.   Through this program, I have made some amazing friends and peers who have helped me navigate my own autism.  

With my autism, I’ve noticed that I have problems with controlling my temper and anger, I struggle with my volume with my voice, I have problems with maintaining healthy relationships, I’ve struggled with knowing how to keep a job successfully, as well as many other things.  This year, I have been able to work on fixing these issues by applying what I’ve learned in the program.

What does this all have to do with the blog?  Since the podcast idea was a great start, I’ve felt like starting a blog is the better thing to do for now.  I’m not shutting down the possibility, but I was feeling overwhelmed with starting and uploading the podcast.  I will resume it sometime in the future.   However, I do want to stay on the idea of advocating for educating people on neurodiversities along with what I have.  People who are neurodiverse aren’t alone, especially adults. 

Being neurodiverse is having a super power.  As Uncle Ben told Peter Parker (aka Spider-Man), “with great power, comes great responsibility”, people who are neurodiverse are given these “powers” that are different from everyone else’s (especially neurotypicals).   It is our responsibility as neurodiverse people, to figure out what our strengths are so that we can be who we were intended to be, to help out others and to make it through life.  

I can’t wait to get this blog started!  I hope y’all enjoy!

Until next time!  Peace, love, happiness, and pixie dust!